Bits and Pieces from Hither and Yon

"To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life." Robert Louis Stevenson

What follows are "snippets" from various entries that captured my attention this morning while revisiting more December 1999 journal entries. Perhaps they'll come together and become a quilt of sorts?
We'll see ...

Rereading THE FOUR AGREEMENTS by Don Miguel Ruiz ... remembering Sanaya Roman's books ... considering the $10,000 M won last October (on D's b-day right after she was denied $6000 because D's time of death was a few minutes on the wrong side of midnight) ...all make me reconsider & wonder about messages ignored or unseen which might have 'quickened' my own understanding ... (or rather acceptance) ... of how things work.

I realize how often I stand at the edge but hesitate ... like I did on the high dive as a teenager seeking a life-saving certificate. FEAR (or perhaps lack of faith?) constricts & restricts my options ... and the emotional roller coaster ride which results from action (or inaction) leaves me ill & even more confused often.

--What might happen if I really leaped with both feet?
--What form might that take?
--What might I really love to do ... and/or be?
Living at the beach was one such passion ... teaching is another.

Yes ... Ralph, Charly, Zonker and perhaps Jesse are other passions ... so was G and marriage ... inviting L & the girls to live here ... READING & JOURNALING are grand passions for me ... gardening brings pleasure & regular lessons to revisit ...

On another day I wrote this ...

Strange health setback Sunday night ... looks like I'll be home for at least 3 days, so I'll have time to read Pat Riley's THE WINNER WITHIN & the 3rd Harry Potter book ... to watch kids and other people making a difference on Oprah while realizing how often I've stopped at the edge ... holding back because of fear. These were missed opportunities ... yet each experience HAS changed me so I'll be more ready the next time.

Hmmm ... if not now, when?
Excellent question and please remember how much you've accomplished in your life already. There's no need for guilt or blame. There's just readiness for now and you're present, aren't you?

Thank you and YES ... I do realize what a precious gift the present is ... so I'll try not to get caught up in past memories or future possibilities ... and instead, stay focused here and now ... proactively.

On yet another day ...

What is the best way for me to serve?
Be yourself. Tell what you know. Listen to the stories of others. Touch magic & pass it on.

Could you be more specific?
That's for you to decide. Do what you love.

Why is making decisions so hard for me? Why can't I narrow my focus?
The form doesn't matter because love is always the lesson no matter what you choose.

Thank you very much!

"If you can dream it, you can do it. Always remember this whole thing was started by a mouse." Walt Disney

And on another day ... this entry:

Are my "graphic poems" prayers to the Universe? Are they meant to be shared as gifts as I've done in the past? Might they be published in a book? Where might I find a collaborator who knows how to make that happen? Barbara Sher & Marianne Williamson come to mind. I've met them both. Am I likely to meet either again ... and, if so, will I be ready to share with them this time? Seems like I've written but never mailed letters to each. Perhaps it's time to try again or write other favorite authors like Denise Linn, Scott Peck, Stephen Covey, Carol Lloyd, Mark Hansen, Karen Scott ... or someone else? Lucia Cappachione, Gabrielle Rico, Dan Millman, Madeleine L'Engle? Should I go to the next Writer's Conference and/or send my writings for review & critique? If so, which ones?

Why no answers today?
Your heart knows ... follow its truth wherever it leads and know I am with you always.

"Our doubts are our traitors." Shakespeare

A few pages later I my eyes find this entry ...

Two books are open to "invitation pages" from authors to correspond ... one is Peter Yancey's THE BIBLE JESUS READ and the other is Neale Donald Walsch's FRIENDSHIP WITH GOD. They bring to mind the verbal invitation from Barbara Sher two summers ago and the letter I did write, but haven't sent to Marianne Williamson.

So ... it's my personal fear of rejection (and/or success with a loss of control perhaps) that holds me back if Gary Zukav is correct, right? If not, what else?
Condemnation perhaps? Censure? Loss of livelihood? Glorious acceptance? Touching people's hearts, lives, and spirits in significant ways?

Perhaps all of the above ... and none? Ah ... was that my soul & my personality conversing yet again?

There is a need to be "right" within me. I don't want to do harm to anyone, and if I do nothing that feels safer than reaching out and putting in my two cents where I have no business meddling.
And yet?

... holding back may be harmful as well if what I'd say or write could make a difference in the lives of children & parents ... and people in general ... right? I'm torn ... and perhaps I do nothing out of habit, but mostly I have difficulty believing that what I write matters to anyone but me.
Don't you have experience to the contrary?

Do you mean the reactions of people to my graphic poems?
And to other things. Aren't your ideas consistently well received?

Yes ... except when they're not ...(smile)... thank you. Yes, I do remember finding CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD and realizing how similar it seemed to my own journals.
... and when they're not, haven't you not only survived the experience but also learned essential lessons?

Yes and yes
So ... why avoid such opportunity? Why hold yourself and others back? Why hold my loving message back?

Hmmm -- I guess I don't consider it in those terms very often. Is it laziness? Inertia? Risk? Vision or lack thereof? Non-belief? Doubt? Terror? Discomfort?
All of the above and more? Start small ... or BIG, but please start now!

"I rid myself of doubts by remembering that
there is a valid reason
for everything that happens."
Wayne Dyer