Revisiting Journal Entries from December of 1999

"You are always being given opportunities to love and be loved, yet ask yourself how many times in your life you have squandered these opportunities." Gary Zukav

Inspired by Lucy who has been going through old photos and sharing memories on her Blog here, here, and here ... this morning I picked up an old journal at random and opened to this entry dated 12-22-99 at 8:47am. This is what read this in my own handwriting ...

Blustery, but gorgeously sunny and clear day ... I'm reading WISHCRAFT by Barbara Sher and finding it challenging to think about who I was in the 5 years of life ... but here goes:

I lived in my imagination
built places with blocks
& within these spaces
for hours & hours
I played alone
but had real conversations
no one (save me) could hear ...

I spoke
heard replies
just as when I rode my imaginary "horse"
invisible companions joined
the fun.

I read early, at a very young age ...
convincing the librarian
who was skeptical at first
but eventually
allowed me to show her
after which she let me
check out books
on my own
and I read them over & over
devouring them
as I read now ... insatiably!

I had a hard time returning them
just as I keep books now ...
they were important
and I wanted them close by.

I sang songs & recited scripture
in front of the large Dutch Reformed congregation
apparently enjoying the attention
when I was 3 or 4 years old.

I talked easily with strangers.
I felt happy & delighted
with everything and everyone,
was well liked by others
except perhaps one elderly neighbor
who found me uppity and demanding
when I once ordered him off our property
as he trimmed some bushes
(unbeknownst to me) at the request of my parents.

I could leave my body as a child
when I lay in bed ...
I distinctly remember doing so frequently
looking down on myself
from a corner of the ceiling
in my bedroom wallpapered with
white ducks, swimming on blue ponds,
surrounded by white and pink flowers.

The preceding was followed by this entry (written on the same day a little while later without a specific time notation) that I suspect was a response to a series of prompts from my reading:

If I'd been treated as if I had a unique kind of genius that was loved and respected, I'd love and respect myself & my talents. Perhaps I'd share them more freely & willingly today, recognizing the gifts I offer others in the naturally occurring "me" of daily life?

If I'd been told I could do and be anything I wanted (and that I'd be loved no matter what it was) I might be a published writer, motivational speaker, or talk show host now.

Sheesh ... I might be a published author or poet many times over ... sharing my stories, poems & ideas with everyone instead of a select few. I might have written to authors and gotten answers & encouragement ... and I'd be a better teacher of writing because I could help others as I'd been helped.

I might know something besides teaching as a career. I might have become a ranger naturalist or marine biologist, or a movie star ... singer ... or storyteller ...

If people had listened to, validated my feelings and experience, then encouraged me to continue and/or offered to help, I'd know how to do that for myself ... and I'd know it was okay to accept help gratefully when it was offered w/o being in danger of losing my way or my self ...

I might be more willing to make proactive mistakes instead of passive ones.

I'd realize (consciously), reminding myself often that "it's not over 'til it's over" and "hanging in there" is worth the effort.

I'd have written stories for children that would touch their hearts & the hearts of their parents .... that would show different ways of being in the world and would make children want to read (much as books by Madeline L'Engle and the Harry Potter books do today).

I'd have written articles filled with ideas in teacher's journals and magazines for parents about books to share with kids & inspire ourselves.

I'd have talked to groups at schools, churches, conferences, and other gatherings to sharing my love of books & stories ... similar to what Jim Trelease has done all these years.

I'd preview books for editors and write reviews.

I'd write a newsletter for teachers about books or do workshops like Marilyn Carpenter.

I'd work in a library with kids and adults.

I'd trust myself to share what I've written knowing it would reach those who are seeking answers to questions (and w/o worrying what trouble my writings might stir up).

I wouldn't be a "closet" writer even now.

I would have published (or at least shared) my own "conversations with God" and/or fleshed out several books with "reflections" or "ruminations" as a theme -- Small Reflections, Family Ruminations, Environmental Reflections, Political Ruminations, Responsible Reflections, etc. -- and sought publication.

I'd have pursued my idea of writing a book of meditations for teachers (conceived a decade ago) instead of giving up at my 3rd rejection. Those did become popular just a few years after I got the idea ... long before they existed.

I'd know and like myself just as I am ... and I wouldn't hide myself away.

I might have become a motivational speaker like Marianne Williamson or a talk show host like Oprah ... perhaps a Nobel Laureate ... or a Louisa May Alcott, Emily Dickinson, Virginia Ellenson.

The temptation to edit and/or revise these lists is strong, but I've resisted as I've transcribed these words here because I want to share this ... just as I wrote it at the turn of the century.

In the past 7 years, I've done some of these already ... and I'm on making progress toward accomplishing others. As I wrote of previously here, if Dan Millman is correct about 9 year cycles, I've got 2 more years to surge ahead and see what else I might do with this list ... and, of course, there are more lists to generate even now to keep me moving in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead.